this is my secret:

Even if you can't have children, your life is shortened or we're worrying about nothing and you don't get cancer

I will always love you and I will love you forever

and i WILL marry you

and we'll be happy together

I promise.

~Michael<3

Current Mood: determined

"Rach" (2:57:27 AM): so, enough about that....how are things with you and lauren...with the whole seperation thing??
MByarsJr09 (2:58:19 AM): good
MByarsJr09 (2:58:26 AM): I'm not
MByarsJr09 (2:58:35 AM): idk, I'm okay with us being apart
MByarsJr09 (2:59:02 AM): I don't particularly enjoy it, I'd like to be able to see her, but I kinda like the space I have right now
MByarsJr09 (2:59:18 AM): I miss her a lot when I see couples or pretty girls
MByarsJr09 (2:59:41 AM): I see them and it makes me want to be able to see her, because I enjoy looking at her more
MByarsJr09 (2:59:56 AM): and I want her to be there so we can do couplely things
MByarsJr09 (3:00:02 AM): we don't get to talk much
MByarsJr09 (3:00:23 AM): I try not to let myself miss her too much
MByarsJr09 (3:00:34 AM): like, I'm never really broken up about it,
"Rach" (3:00:39 AM): to be honest...i love her and i want her here...but then again i like having you to myself...haha...
MByarsJr09 (3:00:50 AM): until like now when I reallythink about it and it makes me sad
MByarsJr09 (3:00:56 AM): i really miss her
MByarsJr09 (3:01:03 AM): and it makes me want to cry
"Rach" (3:01:11 AM): awww darling
"Rach" (3:01:14 AM): i'm sorry
"Rach" (3:01:19 AM): i didn't mean to make you sad
MByarsJr09 (3:01:21 AM): dude, I cried when I had to say goodbye right before she left
MByarsJr09 (3:01:27 AM): ahh, it's okay
"Rach" (3:01:53 AM): yeah, she told me
MByarsJr09 (3:02:01 AM): i didn't want to
MByarsJr09 (3:02:06 AM): say goodbye, that is
MByarsJr09 (3:02:20 AM): lol, i guess I didn't wnat to cry either
"Rach" (3:02:35 AM): yeah, crying is no good
MByarsJr09 (3:02:37 AM): but I kept myself from completely losing it
"Rach" (3:02:41 AM): good
MByarsJr09 (3:02:43 AM):
MByarsJr09 (3:02:56 AM): dude, i love her
MByarsJr09 (3:03:08 AM): leik, woah
MByarsJr09 (3:03:22 AM): though, one good thing about her being away
"Rach" (3:03:34 AM): ?
MByarsJr09 (3:03:35 AM): the "chickens" are back
"Rach" (3:03:49 AM): wha?


MByarsJr09 (3:03:51 AM): we have this running ... joke? ... about chickens
MByarsJr09 (3:04:13 AM): you know the adage "don't count you chickens before they're hatched" ?
MByarsJr09 (3:04:33 AM): well, we used to be all "we're going to do this"
MByarsJr09 (3:04:45 AM): and "life'll be like this"
MByarsJr09 (3:05:04 AM): and we decided we were counting our chickens before they're hatched
MByarsJr09 (3:05:22 AM): but we both liked it, but didn't want to do it too mcuh
MByarsJr09 (3:05:31 AM): and we kinda ended up stopping
MByarsJr09 (3:06:07 AM): but now we (or at least I am) are starting to talk like that again

hey everyone!

this is Lauren, I'm trapped at mike's house for the day because the buses don't run on Sundays :O

But heres the latest stuff going on wiith mike.

The S10 is up and running! fully legal, and really, really cool. Plus shiny. And green.

Mike is completely moved into his new house, and has his room all set up and awesomeified, He's right down the street from a supermarket and his neighbors are really fun to watch.

Oh! and he went to a wedding yesterday with me.
It was fun.


Also- he is now addicted to GTA san-Andreas. It's my fault. Any and all ghetto talk can be blamed on me.

Sorry, World.


Peace.

Is 40 today. Happy Birthday Mom! :~D
not that she reads this, lol, but still. I was the first person to tell her happy birthday (last night) and I told her again this morning and Lauren's even going to call her today and wish her happy birthday! :)

I love Lauren, so much. it was so nice to see her yesterday, even if Skype and my lappy were bitches and it didn't last for very long.

I got the teddy bear finished. It's cute, and cuddly, and I know Lauren will love it! :~D

I have to meet Andy (my ex and future roommate) today, so I can get a good look at MY room, which is now finally empty and ready for me!

I'm excited, I'll be out on my own (mostly). AND I'll have my own room. SO EXCITED. and a walk in closet, w00t. after that I have to stop by Todd Wenzell Chevy in Hudsonville to buy a brake line for my S10.

it'll almost be done. I NEED to get a brake line, and a grille, along with headlights and sidemarkers. Then it's perfectly legal and pretty much good to drive! I'll still have to get it alligined, and fluids changed, either adjust the hood or replace it, maybe repaint the front. It's almost done!

I am a little nervous about moveing out though. will I have enough money? can I be responsible enough? blah, blah, blah. just some doubts, but nothing big, and i know it'll all go well.

I'm excited to not have any curfew, and no rules, and WHEW, it'll be so nice to have all that freedom.

Of course, I won't have much spending money, and I'll be scrimping as much as I can, but I can manage :)

~~OK, time to get back to work, more to come laterz?~~

Current Mood: chipper

okay, wanted/needed a break so I'm posting on this...
i can't get anything done
I now have 4 papers to write:
2 10pg research papers
1 3pg story&comparison
1 interview
i was up until 2a last night and Monday night I stopped around 4 ... and didn't get any sleep by the time I had to get up at 6:30

Yesternight I worked fairly diligently and well on them; i got most of my checklist done ... though half of that was not paper related ... school related tho. I went to bed thiniking I netted 0 work done. I had done some work, mainly on my psy research paper (a good amt of work actually), and then thought on the assignment more and thought my question was too narrow and such ...

I've been wanting to work tonight. I took adderall, I've had my stuff out ... and started working around 9/9:45, and I have a brief outline of a storyline; along with it revised (so, in order, and with a LITTLE bit of other info)... it's 12:49 and that's it. Though I did have to decide on a topic ... but idk

I did some other stuff too, like make a CD and 3 new play lists and idk. well, my 10 min break is up, so I'm going to go back to work, right after I take out my contacts, because they are still being a bitch and I can't see out of both eyes at the same time, and I KNOW it's the contacts b/c with glasses it's fine.

Current Mood: discontent

Gah! I'm upset. and I had a whole nice, long post-reply written out, and I was going to type it up ... but idk. This is all a load of crap. I was pretty pissed when I read it, and Lauren and I ranted to each other about it and I wrote my post ... but now, I don't think it's worth it. It's not going to help
...
just got off the phone with Lauren who's now walking to confront Raychelle ... I'm worried, it's not going to go well; but when she explained her reasoning ... it sounds good ... :~$
and I just found out I've been deleted as Raychelle's friend on FB. big deal it's Facebook, right? I still feel upset about it though. so much for the good things she said, like that I'm a good person and she wishes me happiness ... And I haven't said anything to her about it; she doesn't even know if I've read it yet! idk, w/e. i guess we kinda grew apart any way ... we never get/got to hang out, esp. recently ... but I've been rather immobile...
...
I heard this song after Lauren and I were talking about Raych's post, and I like it. it spoke to me.
What Do Ya Think About That?
by Montgomery Gentry

What Do Ya Think About That Lyrics

Current Mood: rejected

( OMGSURVEYLAWLZLAUENLOVESYOUBUNCHES )

1: Who has your whole heart?
Lauren

2: How did you wake up this morning?
the first time was at 2:15 to my alarm, and Jnoe txting me at 2a. then my alarm

at 8a

3: Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?
sunset

4: Are you wearing any non-clothing items?
the ring <3

5: What did you do yesterday?
worked.

6: Who was the last person to call you?
Patrick

7: Would you die for anyone?
Yes.

8: Did you meet anyone new today?
um, yes, random ppl who came into the store

9: Have you ever been on the radio?
no :(

10: What did you drink today?
pop, lots of pop, (coke and Dr. Pepper)

11: Do you like honey?
Oohh, yeeaahh!

12: What's the last bone you broke?
the bone that holds the lower front teeth in.

13: Do you know the date?
19th of december. 12 days untill the new years. 11 days til i can stop lusting

via the internet. :-)

14: Where was the last place you went shopping?
Target (Christmas presents!)

15: Did you sing at all today?
Yes

16: When's the last time you cried?
IDK, not good though

17: How many letters are there in your last name?
5

18: When did you go swimming last?
The hot tub.  Today.

19: Do you love anyone other than family & friends?
Um, Yeah

20: What book did you read last?
idr

22: Is your top dirty?
no

23: Do you live near your best friend?
yes, 15min

24: Do you like animals?
yes

25: Are you scared of spiders?
no

26: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
no.

27: Can you play Guitar Hero?
i can...

28: How do you walk? in a roll step

29: What do you think of Fergie?
when she sings, it's nice


30: Do you read Rolling Stone?
no

31: Do you believe in love?
Yes.

32: Have you seen Titanic?
yes, good movie.

33 Did it make you cry?
idk it was YEARS ago


34: Do you want to get married?
Yes. Very much so

35: How old do you want to be when you have kids?
early 20's 22-25 when I start, but 22's pushing it

36: Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Patrick

37: When was the last time you were so high you threw up?
never!

38: What are you doing tonight?
i wish i was sneaking out to see Lauren, but instead I'm being harrassed by my

parents and video IMing Lauren.

39: Where were you five hours ago?
@ work

40: Are you wearing SOCKS right now?
yes, but

42: What are you wearing right now?
Socks, pants that are falling apart (and off), a long sleeve wrestling T-shit,

and THE RING

43: Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
not this week ... but NEXT!

44. what is the last thing you purchased online?
A WEBCAM!

45: Do you miss anyone?
Yes
Lauren

46: Do you get scared easily?
erm, no.

47: Do you curse a lot?
a bit, esp when I play Halo :)

48: Are you scared of the dark?
no

49: Who was the last person in your bed?
Lauren

50: What do you know about the future?
tomorrow the sun will rise

51: Where were you at 11:45 today?
Work

52: Is the person you like older or younger than you?
Younger

53: When was the last time you saw the last person you kissed?
TOO LONG AHHH ... over a week!

54: Ever talked to someone that was high?
yes

55: How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller?
shorter. hee.

56: Did you have a dream last night?
not that i remember.

57: Last text message you sent?
to Lauren

58: Last comment you left someone?
idk something to Lauren on LJ

59: Do you have a Facebook?
yes i do.

60: What color is your underwear?
red and blue plaid

61: Do you own a polo?
yes


62: Are you currently frustrated with a boy or girl?
i wish you were here, damnit.

63: Are you excited for winter?
yes. cuddling with Lauren by a fire


64: If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery?
no.

65: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
yes.

66: Have you ever been called Prince or Princess?
nope

67: What did you do last night?
Missed lauren and VIDEO IMed HER!

68: Who is ONE person you wish you hadn't dated?
PBS? or Lily

69: What do you hear right now?
Skype

70: What is the closest thing to you that is blue?
my boxers

71: If you had to change your eye color, would you? What would it be?
purple

72: Last time someone of the same sex hit on you?
never

73: Last thing you wrote your name on?
idk

74: Who do you wanna kiss right now?
Lauren. so. damn. much.

75: Does it snow where you live?
YES.

76: Where did you get the pants you're wearing right now?
my mom bought them

77: If you could change one thing right now what would it be?
I wish i were with Lauren ...

78: Are you in love?
YES!

79: When is the next time you will see your grandma?
Saturday I'll see both

80: Do you wear makeup every day?
no never

81: Would you go in public without looking dressed up or put together?
yea

82: How is your hair right now?
newly cut

83: What is tomorrow?
a day closer

84: What are you doing tomorrow?
sneaking out to see Lauren

85: What are you doing the day after tomorrow?
waiting another day to visit Lauren!

86: Who is the last person to call you baby?
idk.

87: Have you kissed/hugged anyone in the last week?
noone but my mommy

88: What are you doing Saturday?
Lauren TIME!!! and Cahaney Christmas

89: What's your favorite fast food restaurant?:
Mcdonalds.

90: How long was your longest relationship?:
3 years.

91: Now that this is over, what SHOULD you be doing right now?
sleeping.

is what I wrote last night, as I went to bed, after talking to Lauren
is how she makes me feel:

I never thought I'd be so happy
and I never thought I could die from happyness
you make my heart feel like it's going to explode
it's our souls melding together

and I wrote it on the back of an envelope because I couldn't find my little black book ... :(  but it's okay because it doesn't matter where I write
it doesn't matter where I write about her
I write about her, and put it down,
my thoughts and all
all about her

lol w.e
crazy post

Current Mood: ecstatic

that last one ... I;m all better now
we talked about it
we're both jealous
but it's something we'll deal with and work on
and I love her

and I'm going to be there with a cricket bat (or shotgun (filled with rock salt)) in one hand and her hand in the other :-)

:-*

Current Mood: relaxed

fucking jon roost
I hate that fucking bastard
and for some reason it bothers me when she talks about him...
not all the time, just half the time
goes on about jon fucking roost
fucking ass hole uses her and everyone else and she still is all ...
ARGUH!
w/e.
now I'm pissed and going to bed.

Current Mood: pissed off

a big as fucking long post and lost it
just ask me and I'll show it to you
because I wrote it before i typed it
idky but that's how the muse takes me

edit:
I'll give it another shot:
it was titled Deconstruction Cliffhanger
that's still the title

It's not time for destruction
it's time for deconstruction
tear down these walls
and watch as it all falls
down to the ground
a crumbling mess
falling apart
and then you just regress
back to a place that's safe and warm
protect yourself
stay away from harm
deconstruct it down
into a safer hall
you know the tower of babel had to fall
and from the stones you can build a wall
high to the sky
but not that high
use those pieces
(re) build a strong foundation
rebuild and build a stronger foundation
take what you had
and where you started
is where you end
another good chance to try again


rolling down hill
to the top of a mountain
to the edge of a cliff
and you dive off it throw yourself off it
but your cliff hanger
is there and saves you
like a parachute
she takes you down gently
she saves your life

and then you can start again
roll up your sleaves again
roll up the down slope
but she's with you now
(be) 'tween the two of you
you carry the bricks
building on/up that foundation
to protect yourself
build a casbah
and live.
life.
safe.
-ly
with
HeR

Idk why her is HeR but that's how I wrote it in the notebook, so I wrote it like that here.
the red is stuff I added this (the third) time writing it.  maybe read it without the red, then with?
Idk what most of this means or alludes to, but some of it we know. 

Current Mood: distressed

livejournalers it's been forever
idon't even know who reads this/who can read this
except for my Lauren ... I know she can
but I don't want this to be a way of saying things to her I can't say in person
because those things should be said in person

Life is confusing
I need someone I can go to and tell everything to
I have the most amazing girlfriend but I can't talk to her about her can i now? lol
    I keep having to delete things because Ii double type letters idky
but I had Rach and told her pretty much EVERYTHING but ever since that party I ihad things have been different and it doesn;t help she's still going out with vince ... grr she needs to driop him

I want a Lanzio.

I also want a path. i know what I want. but I don't know how I shiould get there. I knmow how people tell me I should go, but I want my own path
? I need something. i need a catalyisit? I'm quitting CFV because the prog is a bitch and Ii really don't care anymore. fuck editing movies, I just want a degree (Broadcasting now) and to get out of college. broadcasting is enjoyable and somethingi I could live with doing for a llong time, but.

I have all of these ideas in my head for movies and such and I want to make them and make it but I Ican't ... at least that;s what it seems like, and that's what they tell me.  I want to go to that school in FL that is for Film and Video and no liberal arts bullshit
I'm not even liberal enough to be something artsy like CFV and go to a liberal arts college am I to normal to be in this major>?  idk (my bff jill) whatever

so begining of that last P I was kinida wanting to cry, but not so much now, idky

I thinik this is quite long enough, and has enough errors to be finished.

enjoy.

You twist me.
My emotions are clothes in the wind of your presence.
I know you don't try,
but you do it anyway.
To want without possibility of attaining,
that is all I have.
Any chance to see,
I must take.
For it brightens my day,
and lightens my burden.

I know a little about how she felt...the geisha...

I went and talked to my ex-Denielle today b/c I saw she was working tonight. It was nice to talk to her. I realized something when I was talking to her, I'm over her. We're still friends, but I'm not upset about us not being together or anything. I'm happy without her, and I think even if she dumped her boyfriend, and came crawling back to me asking me to take her back, I'd say no. And that makes me happy.
I still feel bad for going out with and then breaking up with Lily when I atill liked Denielle. It was wrong, but I think we're still friends. I'm pretty sure you read this Lily, so I'll say it once more. I'm sorry. i'm glad to be able to call you my friend though. :) thanks for your awesome hugs. I love your singing.

so I talked to one of lisa friends and was told in a round-about way that I really don't have a chance. well, not really that, because that sounds mean, but more or less, nothing will happen. But I'm happy with being friends and going to the movies every monday :)
I pissed off one of my friends boyfriends and now he wants to beat me up or something. Even though he couldn't, and he had the chance last night and didn't. though I'd like to think I unsettled him a bit. :) I smiled and said hi as I walked past him, from her room. And I knew he was pissed at me. And he just walked past me without looking and said 'hi.' She really deserves better then him, he's depressed, super-introverted and not very fun, and she's very up-beat, and an extrovert and amazingly fun. She's said she doesn;t love him and that nothing will ever happen between them, but she still goes out with him, or breaks up and picks him back up a day later because he acts a ll sad, and guilts her into going out with him. ERG!

I can't stop thinking about her.... is it good or bad? I know I want to go out with her, and I'd like to really get to know her, but I'm afraid of rejection, and i have no clue / very few clues as to how she feels about me. I knkow she enjoys my company, at least a bit. we laugh and have a good time every monday when we go to the movies. but she's made it a point to tell me we'ren't dating, even though she's said I've got a standing date every monday. She's also said that she doesn't want a boyfriend until she matures. esp. since she cheated on the last two. she also said SHE DOESN"T WANT TO HURT ME. at least she cares. but it sounds promising to me. I'll wait a while before I do anything more, but... How am I supposed to know how she feels about me? Should I just wait and expect her to tell me she's ready for a boy friend? well, I'm not going to force the issue at all until next semester, and then very little. but I do think I'll buy her a CHRISTmas present. HSe's said she wants another GV sweatshirt. and I do get a discount. And she's said she might use me to get it cheaper (I offered), so I could always buy it and not let her pay me back, and tell her to call it a CHRISTmas present. But I think I'll more likely just buy it and give it to her just before she goes home for CHRISTmas. She's amazing, and (book)smart, and beautiful, and fun, and, just, wow. I think I might be in love. huh, I've felt like this in a while. but last time I did I got my heart broken... and then i broke Lily's. I shouldn't have broken up with her. I think I might have a regret...that's a first. I still feel bad for what I did to her. What's done is done. I think she's happy with her newest b/f and I hope she really is.
Anyone who reads this, please feel free to commment. It'd be much appricated.
Merry CHRISTmas
P.S. I want to buy an FM station. at lest 3 hours a day. 8-9, 12-1, 4:30-6. Have a rosary saying at the begining. Like some nuns singing/chanting. a different type and one everytime. Then random doctrine, and Catholic news, and Catholic music. Contempary and otherwise. noon could be the daily Mass. and then in the evening more music, and news, and then end with rosary. call it the catholic Catholic radio.

Current Mood: contemplative

I had a great night with rach. went to yesterdog and saw elizabethtown (good) and I learned some interesting things. it was a good night.
met some guy at B&N who said he was looking for people like me to work for his 'amazing' company. I'm a little skeptical, but he called me today, and we are meeting at B&N monday for 15 min to talk about it. meh, we'll see. I'm gonna ask for a load of info before I commit to anything. I've got a job anyway, but I can work more, and, well, we'll see.
I found out that I really hate two-faced, coniving bitches.

Current Mood: pessimistic

Nov 2nd:
yep, so ,no one likes me and I've got a big ass crush on a girl here...b u t she told me yesterday (without my prompting) that we're not dating (we've gone out to the movies a few times) and that she doesn't want a b/f b/c her last two she cheated on, and she doesn't want to hurt me, and feels she needs to grow up a little before she has another....
so, i sit and stare and dream....it hasn't been like this here ... I haven't had any dreams... not for the past, 6 months, not that I have many to begin with. I remember what it was like when I had a g/f, I used to day dream about her all the time. it's kinda nice to have one girl to concentrate on. I think, even though she's said she doesn't want a b/f, I 'll just sit around and wait for her, and dream
dream
i enjoy dreaming

(this song is Spirt of Radio, by Rush)

I'd appoligize for the emotional, disheveled, disgruntled post, but I don't feel the need to. It's my site, my emotions and thoughts, and you can just deal with it!

"one likes to belive in the freedom of music"

edit: (Nov. 4th)
Talked to Denielle today at movie gallery. She seemed happy to see me, but not overly or anything, just happy to see a friend. She's still hot. She died her hair along with the rest of the drummers it's a dark brown, almost black. She looks so beautiful, and sexy. I miss being with her. I so wanted to pull her to me and hold her close. I'm glad we're still friends, but I still want more. I'm glad she's pretty happy; she seems happy with Kyle...mostly...but I might just be making Giants of windmills. Maybe it was just general stress and not being able to see him as much as she'd like.
Well, there is nothing I can do about her. I'll just sit around and wait until I get over her, or get her back (most likely get over her). meh
I love that word, meh
Rush makes my mood soo much better.

Current Mood: blank

if only I could help her
i'd do anything
give her my bed
my life
my money
i offer and am refused
daily
i love her
but it's useless
she the one who won't be loved
i wish she could see how i care
that i'm not another poser
not putting on a face
i really care
i love her
anything
anything at all
but nothing will help
she won't accept it
and i can't force it
i love her
...
i cry for her
and do what i can
words of encouragement
and hopeful prayers

Current Mood: depressed